The worst taboo: Sexual harassment

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Opinion by Elif ŞAFAK

  Turkey has many taboos. Per capita taboo in the country, I assume, is around six or seven. An average Turkish person has six or seven taboos. These are issues firmly locked, that we don t want to discuss openly. The 1915 Armenian forced resettlement, minority rights, human rights, both freedom of belief and freedom not to follow a faith, freedom of expression, immediately branding as “domestic enemies” those who question the official history... the list gets longer and longer. In some parts of the country, this per capita taboo rate goes as high as 15. It is observed that in more developed, versed circles this per capita taboo rate goes to as low as two. But one cannot be sure of anything. When it comes to discussing certain subjects, you may see that even the person you consider as the most open minded closes himself, becomes deaf, blind and speechless and imposes restrictions on his own mind. These are prohibited topics that have been twisting our legs, restricting our brains and conscience. But among these taboos there is one that is the most difficult to talk about, to try to unveil, investigate or combat. The thickest taboo of Turkey is sexual harassment within the family unit. I received a letter. It was a letter from a famous city of central Anatolia that I can t reveal. I received a letter from a young girl who has lost hope of life, people and her future. How many people are out there like her that we do not know about and will never know about? One result of the excessively sacred status given to the concept of family in Turkey is immunity. In this country, the patriarchal family order has immunity. You hear your neighbor on the upper floor that you have known for years. You sit for dinner but hear noises, curses and arguments coming from the upper floor. What is happening? The man on the upper floor is beating his wife. What can we do? It s their life, let s continue on with our dinner. We come across the lady from the upper floor the next day and exchange greetings, preferring not to notice the bruises on her face and marks on her body from last night s beating. Alas, in this country we are masters of this feigned ambivalence. We see what suits us and turn a blind eye to that not pleasing us, as long as order is not disrupted and sanctity of the family system is maintained. A small girl, silent, in deep thoughts incompatible with her age, dragging her feet as if she does not want to go home after school. Still at the primary school age. Whispers in deep shame to her mother one day the secret she has been keeping for who knows how long. The mother does not believe her. Does not want to believe her because the mother thinks the family order will be disrupted. She does not believe her own daughter. The only thing the mother does from that point on is to make sure not to leave the girl alone at home with the stepfather. Other than that there is no change at all. The order, the same order, just to maintain the order. A young girl grows up in a conservative town. The day she turns 16 she is abducted and raped by the man that claims to be in love with her. That s because for some love is domination. Some men just don t know how to love in any other way, they don t know there could be love in any other form. Their love for women and for the country is all built on “either whole or none.” They don t know how to keep alive what they love, only how to extinguish it. They consider the country and their women as their registered property. The abducted girl returns to her family a week later, her eyes wet; she s humiliated and hurt. What happens then? The family is in deep embarrassment, ashamed of their daughter; what will the neighbors say knowing their honor now has a scar? Eventually, they invite the rapist to their home and he, just to conform to tradition, comes with a box of chocolate and asks for permission of the family to marry her. Can they deny permission? No they can t, and as if to tell him “you raped her, you marry her” they hastily arrange a wedding ceremony. Who can be so devoid of conscience to dance and have fun at such a wedding ceremony? The young girl marries her rapist just for the sake of preserving family structure and our false sense of honor. If so, we can sacrifice yet another girl. Our hypocrisy surfaced once again with the Gamze Özçelik case. Some people, in a brazen and shameless manner, criticized not the rapist but the woman who was raped. No woman -- whatever she wears, however she behaves, whether she is a doctor, teacher, nurse, bar girl or prostitute (they are all equal in my eyes) -- deserves to be raped! Those commentators on TV or in their columns who make baseless remarks and criticize the rape victim rather than the rapist must remember that if in this country the tyrants are rewarded and the victims vilified, then a day may come where this warped sense of honor fades the light of their beloved daughters.